BY: FRANKiE PENN
If you have any type of mental disorder/illness, you are probably very aware of the social stigma that comes along with your diagnosis. It can be hurtful to hear some of the ignorant thoughts people come up with. I recently had this experience with someone I’ve known for a long time. This person basically said that I am using my ADD and Complex PTSD as an excuse to be a 31-year-old loser and because I am prescribed to Adderall, I am a junkie; despite the fact that I take it as is prescribed. This did upset me until I reminded myself that “stigmas of mental illnesses,” are just that. His false “beliefs” of mental illness are ignorance, not an opinion. It doesn’t matter what they “believe,” there is a truth to it all,… it’s called scientific facts and studies. It’s as if those with stigmas regarding mental health are saying, “I don’t believe that stars are made out of gas.” Well, until you can prove otherwise, these are the facts. But what if some of us, -people with disorders who often hear, and want to stop the stigma,- are inflicting a self-stigma upon ourselves? Is that hypocritical of them? Is that the pot calling the kettle black?
After years of horrible experiences with different mental health professionals, I was ready to give up on getting myself the help I needed. My last psychiatrist would always interrupt me, put words in my mouth, prescribed me to Adderall but treated me as if I were a drug addict when I needed a higher dosage and always passed her random drug tests. After appointments, I would get into my car and cry because my feelings would actually be hurt. I know she’s in business for a reason, maybe having the Wicked Witch of the West as a psychiatrist works for some people but, not me. I went into an even deeper depression when ultimately, my dad couldn’t stand to see me like that anymore.
He made an appointment for me to see a therapist. I was mad about it at first because I had just gone through a year of having to deal with a psychiatrist that treated me like I was stupid, interrupted me all the time, and put words in my mouth. A year and a half later, I thank God every day that my dad made that appointment for me. Fortunately, I now have the perfect therapist for myself. Not too nice, not too mean, just tells it like it is, and is considerate enough to ask if what she said sounded b*tchy. She displays a caring attitude, takes notes on her laptop while still making eye contact with looks of complete captivation and involvement of every word I say. I had to get retested for my ADD, that’s when we discovered that I also have PTSD.
I joined some online PTSD groups for support and/or recovery. Just as there is a healthy amount of time one should spend on the internet, a third of that time should be spent in these groups. I thought it was helping, seeing a person post that they suffer with a similar symptom. I think what executed my bad thoughts to get louder was seeing these same people list every reason why they hate themselves because of this one symptom. I began to hate myself, too. I was so tired of crying every day, missing the bubbly, goofy girl I knew I could be even when I was feeling down. I didn’t know how much longer I could live feeling like this. Consistently for two months, I was so sad I wanted to die. I couldn’t keep doing this and had to change something.
I had read that daily affirmations can train your brain to think positively after twenty-one days. I’m so cynical and miserable that I told myself I needed to do it for a whole year. I decided to force myself to do it, I would post one for every day on Instagram (@frankie.a.penn). That way, if it didn’t help me, maybe it helped one person out there on the World Wide Web. I remember on day thirty-something, I thought to myself, “I knew this bullsh*t wouldn’t work for me.” About a week later, I noticed I had a full week of not one bad day. I still heard the bad thoughts but kind of thought of it as if it was someone I hated insulting me. Where you just brush it off and roll your eyes about what they said because you hate them so much it doesn’t matter what they say!
With getting a good bit of my positivity back, I also gained some sadness and anger for my fellow PTSD community. What I’m about to say might come off to some of you as me being a judgmental know-it-all. You will continue reading to see, this is Mama’s love! I am concerned about these posts that I keep seeing that are very similar. I don’t think it is healthy for the writer of the post or anyone in the group to see a post such as these.
Example:
Suzie Q.: I have had some traumatic experiences with therapists. I will never go see one again, plus it’s uncomfortable to talk to them. I’ve had PTSD for 20 years and I think I am doing just fine. Whenever I feel any anxiety coming on I use scented oils and deep breathes. As for medication, I am not putting all those toxins in my body to be like a zombie.
I kept noticing more and more posts and comments such as this on every group page for PTSD. I think what everyone on the page is forgetting is that most people can heal from PTSD. Suzie Q. shouldn’t be giving such advice to others if she still has PTSD twenty years later. This is called self-stigma. Really, look it up. There, unfortunately, is an over-abundance of people who are refusing to get proper treatment. If you had the flu, would you not go to the doctor and take medication that will be prescribed? It is the same thing. Some people don’t get the proper treatment due to the shame of going or fear of talking to a stranger. Just let it out. They are not there to judge you. If you do feel as though you are being judged, find a new therapist. Don’t ever assume that you can handle it on your own. There is hope and you can get better!
There are some people who want the help but have no insurance or nothing available around them. This is why we have to stop the stigmas and speak up! We need more help out there. We need to let people know it’s okay to get help, and that it’s the right thing to do. And most importantly, we must get educated ourselves, so that we may help educate others who are misinformed. Some people notice some concerns with their mental help and just dismiss it as though there isn’t anything wrong. With more people out there getting educated, maybe it will make some people realize that they should see someone.
As for the self-stigma against medication, most doctors are not willing to just hand out prescriptions with no purpose. It could cost them their license and career. If it is doctor recommended, it is for a reason. Suzie Q. was wrong again when it comes to medication making you feel like a zombie. For a whole year I was going through different anti-depressants. Most did nothing for me, a few made me zombie-like, even on Adderall. Once I get on the right medication I was able to move around more than I was before. If you’re medication is making you feel like a zombie, you need to talk to your doctor about switching. Medication can be a big help to get you started on your journey of change. It won’t be a “miracle pill,” but it will allow you to be your true self while managing symptoms of your disorder. You can still have bad days but, wouldn’t it be better to only have a few bad days, rather than every day being awful?
Nobody likes change, but if you’re tired of living with things that make you hate yourself, you can make so many life improvements! I’m sure people on the outside think I haven’t made any change in the last year but, the small changes I have made are actually ridiculously huge and helpful. Don’t ever feel like there is no hope for you because there absolutely is. We need to fight ALL stigmas. Not just social, but our self-stigmas as well. The road to recovery is our journey, a therapist is our GPS, a guide to the right direction. Medication? It’s the gas to our car, to give us a boost to get where we are headed.
Therapy and medication take a lot of work but, it’s worth it. I would still be sleeping on my couch, doing nothing. It’s never too late to begin living your life again. I hope I reached someone out there with this message. Despite not knowing any of you reading this, I care about you. I am here for you. And I want you to have the best life that we all deserve. Please help put an end to all stigmas. Social and self. If we can stop feeling ashamed for something that isn’t our fault, we can tell our stories, get the education put out there, and more help than what is out there. We deserve better but, it starts with getting rid of your self-stigma, first!
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